


Until You Don't Need Bandages

by LostImp



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-28 01:16:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13893156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostImp/pseuds/LostImp
Summary: "I remember that day" Roy thought out loud."A bad day." Danny said"I think a good day, in the end" Roy contradicted."How was it a good day?" Danny asked softly, his eyebrows furrowing as he thought back on a day he didn't care to remember."Because it made me so sure that I loved you. And after that day, we fixed things" Roy answered, reaching down and rubbing his thumb slowly along one of Danny's scarred wrists.Danny blushed with embarrassment at the tender gesture."Don't touch them. They're ugly." Danny whispered.





	Until You Don't Need Bandages

**Author's Note:**

> I used a mix of pronouns and drag/boy names, but Adore is Adore when she's with the other queens and Danny when he's with Roy, and Bianca is the same, pretty much.  
> Please make sure to read the tags first for trigger warnings.  
> I love feedback so it's always welcome!

October 2016

"Hey baby? I'm home" Roy called, shutting the door of the apartment firmly behind him. He didn't get any response from Danny as he ventured further into their bedroom. He was met with the sight of his boyfriend wrapped in a nest of blankets, his big eyes wide and tired.

"Hi, my angel, how are you doing?" Roy asked, climbing in beside him and placing a cool hand on Danny's forehead. "You're real warm, Dorey, can I get you a cold cloth?"

"No. No cold. I'm freezing" Danny muttered as he leaned his head onto his boyfriends shoulder.

"Have you taken any painkillers or medication since I left, honey?"

He simply nodded in response. "And they aren't helping?" He shook his head. 

"Oh my love" Roy said, sympathetically, "Is there anything else I can do to help you?"

"Hold me" Danny pouted, laying his head down in Roy's lap.

Roy pulled a pillow from behind his back and gently placed it under Danny's head, smiling to himself as began running his hands through his boyfriend's long, messy hair. 

"B, tell me about our kids again" Danny mumbled beneath him, finally able to relax now that he had his love back with him. They had spent the previous night sitting curled up on the couch talking about their future together. Roy had done most of the talking because Danny hadn't been feeling well. Clearly things hadn't gotten much better since then, and his headache had developed into a flu. 

Roy smiled again at Danny's words, finding it extremely endearing how he took such comfort in his boyfriend telling him about the kids they were going to have and how they would raise them.

"You want me to talk about our babies?" Roy asked.

"Mmm" Danny hummed, letting his eyes fall closed.

"Well we're going to have our little girl first, then our little boy."

"Twins" Danny added.

"You want twins, love?" 

"Yes. Twin babies," he murmured.

"Ok then. Twin babies."

"I want to call our little girl Alice" Danny said softly.

"Really? Why's that?" Roy said, smiling again at the sweet conversation.

"It's magic. Like Alice in Wonderland" 

"That's a great name, baby"

"And our little boy is Henry"

"Henry?"

"Yes, because I like that name"

"Whatever you want, my love"

"And that was the name of the place where I knew I loved you" Danny added quietly.

"Henriestown? In Virginia?"

"Mmm"

"I remember that day" Roy thought out loud.

"A bad day." Danny said

"I think a good day, in the end" Roy contradicted.

"How was it a good day?" Danny asked softly, his eyebrows furrowing as he thought back on a day he didn't care to remember.

"Because it made me so sure that I loved you. And after that day, we fixed things" Roy answered, reaching down and rubbing his thumb slowly along one of Danny's scarred wrists.

Danny blushed with embarrassment at the tender gesture.

"Don't touch them. They're ugly." Danny whispered.

"I don't think so. They're a part of you, which makes them beautiful."

March 2015

Adore had been on tour with Bianca and bunch of the other girls, as well as Michelle for almost two months. The queens only had ten dates left and the tour had been going extremely well, except for one thing. Adore. She had been becoming quieter and more introverted over the past month and a half and Bianca wasn't the only one that had noted it. Most of the girls had noticed Adore's changed attitude, her usually peppy and full of life party-going self had become much more subdued, though they mostly just assumed she was tired after such a long time on the road. She went out for an occasional drink after some of their performances, but she spent most of her time in her bunk listening to music through headphones, or curled up on one of the couches downstairs, fading in and out of conversation.

The girls had just finished their performance that evening in Akron, Ohio, and given that they had two days off before their next show, a few of the queens decided to go to one of the local bars for a drink. Bianca, Raja and Jinkx as well as Michelle, claimed they were too tired to go out that night and returned to the bus while Alaska, Adore, Trixie, Katya, Violet, Ivy, Sharon and PhiPhi removed their drag and set off for a small bar around the corner. 

Adore had been feeling down that day, as she had for the last while. Her wrists were warm and itchy under her long sleeves, and for whatever reason, the relief of hurting herself hadn't been enough to ease her mind that night. She mentally reasoned that if she forced herself to go out for a drink with some of the other queens, just to keep up appearances, that she could have as many drinks as she wanted to ease whatever pain she was feeling. It was that exact decision that led to her drunkenly stumbling out the door of the bar, alone and disorientated just after midnight. 

Adore had consumed enough whiskey to blur her thoughts to a point where she could no longer remember what she had eaten for breakfast that morning, yet she had been unsuccessful in easing the nagging darkness in her mind. For whatever unjust reason, the high levels of intoxication had only heightened her unhappiness and she felt a strong need to exit the bar. She managed to escape without alerting any of her sisters, or so she thought. In actual fact, both Sharon and Alaska, who had been chatting with Ivy by the bar, had seen Adore move dizzily towards the front door on her own, and after a minute or two of saying their goodbyes' to Ivy, figured it would be best for them to make sure the younger queen got back to the bus safely.

Alaska and Sharon strolled comfortably back to the parking lot where the bus was parked, when Alaska noticed a hunched figure on the ground in the middle of the somewhat deserted space.

"Shar, is that Adore on the ground over there?" she asked, a hint of worry in her tone.

Sharon looked to where her friend was pointing, "Yeah I think so. She's probably just sat down for a moment. You know Adore, if she's drunk, and doesn't feel like walking, then she won't" she said, smirking.

"I don't know, Sharon. She didn't seem like herself tonight." Alaska replied, picking up her pace considerably. Sharon followed suit, sensing the other queens' nerves.

"Adore?" Alaska called out, as they neared the figure sitting on the ground.

Adore didn't respond, she just let her frustrated and drunken tears continue to fall as she stared at the small red stains growing on the sleeves of her grey shirt.

"Adore, baby?" Sharon asked, kneeling down beside her, "Are you... oh baby" she gasped slightly, noticing the younger girls arms. Sharon stared up at Alaska, whose eyes fell on Adore's sleeves a moment later.

"Adore, honey, can you tell us what's going on?" Alaska asked soothingly, joining Sharon in front of the younger queen.

Adore remained unresponsive, as silent tears continued to roll down her cheeks.

"Lask, I think we had better try get her onto the bus" Sharon stated, and Alaska nodded in agreement. "We'll bring you back to the bus, doll, ok?" 

Both the older queens each slid an arm under Adore's as they pulled her carefully to her feet. She leaned all of her weight on their shoulders as they half-carried, half-pulled her across the parking lot and over to the steps of the bus, where they came face to face with a tired looking Michelle. Upon seeing the two girls lifting a hazy-looking Adore towards the bus, she hung up the phone and jumped into immediate mother-mode.

"What in the hell happened to her?" she asked, sternly.

"She's had a few to many drinks" Alaska answered quickly, "but her arms are bleeding and she won't talk to us"

Michelle was used to seeing all the girls black-out drunk, but Adore could generally handle her drinks and had never been dragged back to the bus bleeding before.

"Ok, let's get her inside" Michelle said, opening the door and moving out of the way so Alaska and Sharon could sit the younger girl down on the couch.

"Adore, baby, it's me, it's Michelle. You're safe here baby" Michelle told her soothingly.

Adore looked her straight in the eyes but didn't utter a word.

"Baby, what happened?" she asked.

" 'M ok." Adore mumbled, making a move to stand up.

"Honey, stay here for a moment and talk to me. What happened to your arms? Was it you baby, or was it something else?" she asked calmly.

Sharon and Alaska stood back, waiting for an explanation from Adore, though it seemed she had no plans to give one.

" I'm ok" she repeated, "please, I wanna go to bed"

"Baby, I'm gonna need you to tell me why you're bleeding first, or at least let me take a look so I can help you"

Adore's eyes visibly widened in panic at the idea of anyone seeing her arms, and she began to cry again, only this time it was louder.

"No, no stop. I wanna go to my bed" she cried.

"Calm down baby, and just sit for a moment" Michelle said, trying to quieten her.

At the sound of commotion, both Bianca and Raja, who has been conversing upstairs, emerged to find an unusual scene unfolding. When Bianca saw Adore upset, she immediately ran to her side. When Adore saw her, she turned and buried her face in Bianca's shoulder, sobbing.

"Shh baby, you're ok" Bianca soothed, sending confused looks to Michelle, Alaska and Sharon.

"What happened, honey?" Bianca whispered into the younger girls' ear.

Once again, Adore didn't answer and instead just clung to Bianca feeling both very drunk and panicked. Michelle stepped outside for a moment to gather her thoughts and both Sharon and Alaska left to go upstairs, leaving Raja and Bianca alone with a now hiccuping Adore, who at this point was exhausted. She had calmed down considerably after everyone had left and was becoming drowsy in Bianca's arms. Noticing this, Bianca figured she wasn't going to get many answers from the young queen that night and decided to bring her to bed.

"Adore, baby, is it ok if Raja and I bring you up to bed? We can talk about all this in the morning if you would prefer that?"

Adore nodded sleepily and allowed Raja and Bianca to carry her to her bunk. She slid in easily and curled into a small ball of long limbs as Bianca pulled a blanket around her.

"I'll be just above you, my love, and if you need anything, just call me." she said, kissing her forehead lovingly.

With that she made her way back down to talk to Michelle for a moment or two, explaining that there was no point in trying to question her at all until the morning, to which Michelle agreed. She quickly returned to her bunk above Adore's and fell into a restless sleep.

Adore woke with a splitting headache extremely early the next morning and ventured lethargically down to the kitchen in search of water and aspirin. She reached to grab a bottle of water, hissing as a searing pain shot through her arm causing her to swear loudly and drop the bottle on the ground. Sighing and hoping she hadn't made too much noise, she picked up the bottle and curled up on the couch. Unfortunately for Adore, Michelle hadn't been able to sleep and had left the bus to go for a walk earlier that morning before any of the other queens had woken up. Just as she was closing her eyes, Michelle quietly opened the door of the bus, walking in to find a wide-eyed and exhausted looking Adore staring up at her.

"Good morning, baby" she said quietly, kicking off her shoes and sitting down beside the younger queen.

"Morning" she all but whispered in response.

They sat quietly for a moment or two, Adore too scared to address the previous night and Michelle carefully choosing which words to use so as not to upset her. Eventually, she broke the silence.

"Danny, I need you to tell me what's going on. I promise I won't tell anyone else, but I need to be able to help you."

Adore instantly noted the use of her boy name and winced. Michelle meant business. Adore didn't think she was ready to tell anyone what had been going on inside her head for the last couple of months, but she needed to. Everyday felt like she was drowning, stuck in a water-tank of her own, while everyone in her life casually walked passed without noticing.

"What do you want to know?" Adore asked cautiously, not knowing where to begin.

"Can we start with your arms?" Michelle asked calmly, glad that Adore was at least responding to her, unlike the previous night

Adore opened her mouth in an attempt to give some sort of reasonable or watered down explanation of her self-inflicted scars, but the words simply would not leave her. Noticing this, Michelle placed a hand gently of Adore's shoulder.

"Baby, if you don't want to talk, can I at least take a look, even to make sure there isn't any infection after last night. I promise, I won't judge you, honey, and I won't touch anything without your permission, ok?" she asked, looking into the younger girls' eyes, searching for any notion of consent. Adore simply lifted her two arms, placing her hands face up on her lap. Michelle took this as a sign that she was allowed to touch her wrists. 

Michelle slowly rolled back the blood-stained sleeves of last night's shirt as Adore squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to see the look on her face. Michelle took a sharp intake of breath when she revealed long lines of angry, red, raised marks that radiated a vicious heat.

"Oh baby" Michelle said softly as warm tears rolled down Adore's cheeks, "How long has this been going on?"

"Three months" Adore whispered through muffled sobs.

"Oh sweetheart, come here" Michelle said, opening her arms, allowing the younger girl to be lay her head on her shoulder, wrapping her in her arms.

"Please don't tell anyone" Adore cried into her shoulder, "they can't know"

"I promise I won't, honey" Michelle promised, stroking her hair, "but I need you to try and stop. I know it's not easy, but please, come talk to me if you feel like hurting yourself. I know your pain is more internal right now, so you might think about going to see someone after tour. I know it's a lot, honey, but I hate seeing you this unhappy"

Adore listened carefully to everything Michelle had to say, mulling it over in her head. She didn't know how to stop, but she promised herself that from now on this was her secret, and her secret only. She would just have to be better at hiding it. Michelle didn't deserve to deal with this, she thought, she doesn't need to handle my problems. 

She remained wrapped up in Michelle's arms for a while, until eventually she ended up with her head in her lap, curled into a small ball on the couch as the older woman sat above her, stroking her hair comfortingly. They remained like that for an hour or two before the girls started to wake up and come downstairs hungrily in search of breakfast. Bianca was the first down, noticing immediately that Adore's bed was empty and rushing into the living area to find her fast asleep on Michelle's lap. 

"She's ok", Michelle whispered, noticing Raja, Ivy and Phi Phi following Bianca down, "go get breakfast, I'll stay here with her"

Bianca nodded in response, promising to bring some breakfast back for both Adore and Michelle, as she quietly left the bus with Raja, Ivy and Phi Phi. One by one the other queens made their way out of bed, were greeted by Michelle and sent quietly out to get breakfast. The last two to appear were Sharon and Alaska, who both looked extremely concerned when they took notice of Adore's still stained wrists. Again, the older woman promised the queens that Adore was alright and to be back in an hour before they had to leave.

The next couple of days passed uneventfully for all the queens. They drove for hours every day, stopping only to use a bathroom and grab some snacks or the occasional meal. Adore had remained relatively quiet which the other queens accepted after Michelle told them all that she had been feeling unwell the day before. The only ones that knew any different were Alaska and Sharon. No one had filled Bianca or Raja in on Adore's wrists after the younger queen had made them promise to keep it to themselves. Two days later the queens performed in Virginia Beach Monday night after a stressful day of travelling. They hadn't been sure if they would even make it onstage on time due to their bus breaking down halfway. They were all starving after living off snacks and pieces of fruit for the day and following the show, decided to go find the nearest restaurant to have a proper meal. Adore, although she hadn't hurt herself for two days under Michelle's watchful eye, didn't feel up to a large meal with her noisy friends and when Trixie and Katya said they were going to stay on the bus, order a pizza and watch a movie, she jumped at the chance to join them.

Michelle was wary of leaving Adore behind while they went for dinner, but trusted that she would be kept entertained by Trixie and Katya, who were currently arguing on whether they would watch Death Becomes Her for the third time that tour, or Trixie's favourite, But I'm A Cheerleader. The other queens left them alone, not wanting to get involved in the escalating discussion as Adore laughed at them from the sidelines. 

"Mother, I'm watching Death Becomes Her again" Katya said, grinning. She knew she was winding Trixie up, but she loved the reaction it elicited from her. 

"Katya, I swear to god, this is getting worse than Contact. And I'm not going through that again." Trixie argued.

"I want pizza. Can we just do that instead?" Adore interrupted.

"Of course we can, Adore," Katya smiled sweetly, "if you answer this question first. Death Becomes Her or But I'm A Cheerleader?"

"Don't put me in this position, Kats. I don't think you'll like the answer" Adore teased.

"But I'm A Cheerleader it is then!" Trixie exclaimed triumphantly.

"Adore, I'll get you in your sleep for this" Katya yelled, reaching for her phone to order them some pizza.

"I wish" Adore muttered under her breath. Her sudden burst of cheerfulness dissipated quickly, her mind returning to it's original state of self-loathing. It reminded her that this was her chance. Michelle was gone, Bianca was gone, Trixie and Katya had each other to distract themselves. If I could just get into the bathroom alone for ten minutes, she thought.

"Ok, pizza will be here in fifteen!" Katya announced, happily bouncing over to sit in between Trixie and Adore.

"Kats, can I ask you a question?" Adore said quietly.

Noticing her change in tone, both Trixie and Katya turned to look at the younger girl.

"Sure, Adore" Katya replied.

"Ehm... when you were going through, you know, addiction to stuff, how did you stop?" she mumbled, staring at her hands in her lap.

"Oh" Katya said, taken aback slightly by Adore's question, "well, I can't say it was easy, but I got help I guess. I was tired of living a life ruled by substances, rather than what I wanted, so I kind of became determined to change it after I got to a really dark place" she answered honestly.

Adore nodded, listening thoughtfully. Katya really wanted to change. I don't know if I can, she thought.

"Hey, honey, are you ok? Are you having problems with drugs?" Katya asked softly.

"No. No of course not" Adore answered quickly, "I was just wondering, that's all. Sorry for bringing down the mood" she added.

"Ok, if you're sure. We're always here, Adore, whatever you need." Trixie said, placing a soft kiss to her cheek. Adore giggled at the gesture, which in turn made Trixie and Katya smile. They easily fell back into conversation until the pizza came and they switched on their movie. Katya and Trixie spent the first half of the film shrieking lines at the screen and interjecting with humorous comments. Adore tried to enjoy being with them, wanting desperately to absorb their happy energy, but she fell back into her thoughts, the craving to hurt herself growing by the minute. 

Adore suddenly excused herself to the bathroom, leaving a sleepier Trixie and Katya behind her. They both look questioningly at each other before turning their attention back to the screen. Twenty or so minutes later, the door of the bus opened and Bianca stepped inside.

"Hi, B, want to join us for a threesome?" Katya asked from where she and a tired looking Trixie were wrapped up in a blanket.

"I think the fuck not!" Bianca retorted, sitting down opposite them, "where's Adore?" she questioned, noticing her missing from the room.

"Oh, she went to the bathroom... actually about twenty minutes ago. Speaking of which, I need to pee. I'll go get her" Trixie said, walking down the corridor to the bathroom. 

"Adore?" she asked, knocking on the door. She got no response. Trixie pushed on the handle on the door but found it was locked. "Adore, are you ok?" she tried again.

"Yeah... I.. I'll be out in a second" Adore replied. Trixie could tell by her voice that something was wrong. She heard water running and a clinking sound as Adore swore.

Trixie was unconvinced that Adore was even slightly ok and she walking back to the living area to get Bianca. 

"B, I think you should go back there. Something's wrong and the door is locked"

Bianca rose immediately and knocked quietly on the bathroom door. She heard soft sobs coming from inside the small room.

"Adore, baby, it's me. It's Bianca. Can you let me in, love?" she asked.

"B, you need... to go... away" Adore replied between sobs.

"Danny, you have to let me in. I can help you" 

Suddenly she heard a click as the lock in the door turned. Bianca softly pushed the door open. Adore was on the ground with the water in the sink running slowly above her. Immediately she noted the thin razor blade in the sink, where a soft pink hue of water ran down the side of the basin. Falling to the ground beside a sobbing Adore, she saw the long lines of red liquid sliding down her forearms.

"Danny, baby, I'm here. It's me, it's Roy. You're safe with me, ok? I'll look after you, baby, we'll get you cleaned up" Roy said, wrapping an arm tightly around Danny's shoulders.

"I'm.. so... sorry" Danny said, shaking in Roy's arms.

"Shh, shh, baby, it's ok. Can a clean your arms a little, honey?" Roy asked softly.

Danny nodded slowly, as Roy reached for the hand towel from above their heads. Dampening it with warm water, he slowly began to put pressure on Danny's wrist as he squirmed in pain.

"Tell me if it's too much, baby" Roy said as he watched blood seep into the towel, "I just need to make sure that they aren't too deep, so that they stop bleeding"

"I'm.. so so sorry" Danny whispered again, "I didn't mean for this to happen"

"I know baby, I know. It's ok. We'll figure it out" 

After another moment or two, Roy stopped dabbing at Danny's wrists, having managed to clean the blood from his arms. 

Danny had stopped crying and was just staring blankly at the wall in front of him. He felt drained, emotionally and physically and wanted desperately for the ground to split open and swallow him whole. Having cleaned up everything in the bathroom, Roy sat back down in front of Danny and gently lifted his chin so their eyes would meet.

"Danny, can I bandage your arms up for you, honey? Just to keep them from getting infected? I know we have medical wrap in the kitchen." 

"No, thank you"

"Why not honey? I promise I'll be as gentle as possible"

"If you bandage my arms, I can't get to them" Danny answered blankly.

"Danny, what's going on? Why are you hurting yourself, baby?" Roy pleaded with him, desperate to help the broken human sat in front of him.

"I don't want to talk about it. You don't need my mess in your life."

"Danny, please baby, I need you in my life. Mess and all. I can help you, Danny, I promise. I hate that you're hurting this bad and you feel like you can't tell me" 

Roy had tears gathering in his eyes, his efforts to hold them back proving futile as they began to slip down his cheeks.

"Don't you see, Roy? I can't tell you. I'll ruin your life just like I've ruined mine." Danny exclaimed, looking desperately in Roy's eyes for any indication that he finally understood what he was telling him. He wanted to die and Roy wasn't letting him.

"You can't die, Danny. I love you too much for you to die" Roy cried. 

Something clicked in Danny's mind at those words, and it shattered his heart completely. He loved Roy with every fiber of his being which is why he couldn't let him in. It would only hurt him, which would break Danny's heart. He stood up slowly and left the bathroom, leaving Roy sitting alone on the floor.

It took Roy half an hour before he came to find Danny in his bunk. He was shivering, curled up in the bottom corner of his bed by the wall. Danny was terrified by all of the emotions racing around in his mind, nut most of all he was terrified, Terrified of not being able to stop hurting himself, terrified of not being able to control the dark thoughts in his mind and terrified by what he felt towards Roy. More than anything he wanted to leave the bus and keep running, to get away from the people that cared most about him so that he could stop hurting them. 

"Danny, I need you to come with me." 

"What? Why? Are you sending me away? To a hospital?" Danny asked, panic immediately taking over his body, "You can't do that, B, please. I promise I'll try stop. Don't send me away" he said hurriedly, sliding out of his bed to stand face to face with Roy.

"Hey, hey, calm down. I'm not sending you away. I would never do that. Hey, calm down, shh." he soothed as Danny leaned forward into his arms, a wave of relief sweeping over him momentarily. "I just want you to come downstairs, that's all baby. I really do want to bandage you arms and I thought we could maybe take a walk."

"Ok," Danny mumbled into his shoulder before taking Roy's outstretched hand and following him down to the living area. He was thankful that Michelle and the other girls hadn't returned yet, although Trixie and Katya were still wrapped up beside each other on the small couch. When they saw Danny following Roy downstairs, they stood up to leave the room.

"No, Trix, Kat, you can stay. Danny and I are going out." Roy assured them, grabbing a blanket from the back of the couch and the medical wrapping from the tiny kitchen, leading Danny out the door.

They walked in silence for about ten minutes before they came to a small, gated park. The night was warm, with a cool breeze rustling through the leaves of the trees that outlined the grass. Roy pushed open the old gate that had a worn looking sign on it that read "Henriestown Park". Danny followed his lead as they sat down on a small wooden bench, Roy pulling the large blanket around Danny's shoulders.

Danny lay his arms out in front of him, palms facing towards the dark sky, the light from the small lamppost overhead lighting the angry red lines. Roy carefully tore the bandage into two large pieces, wrapping them gently around Danny's wrists and securing them tightly with medical tape. As he did this, he explained his idea to the younger queen.

"I want you to rip these bandages off, Danny, whenever you feel like you need to hurt yourself. And rip them off as many times as you want. The only thing is, I want you to give me back the bandages every time. Straight away. That way you don't have to talk, you don't have to explain anything to me. But I'll know. And we can sit, or walk, or talk, or cry, or yell. Whatever you need to do, we'll do it. And then we can reapply more bandages, every hour if you need to. Until you don't need bandages any more" he finished, looking up into Danny's beautiful, big, wide eyes. Danny himself stayed silent, not trusting himself to produce anything intelligible if he tried to speak. Roy took the opportunity to continue.

"Baby, I don't know why you're hurting so badly, and I swear to you I will do everything in my power to stop you from feeling any pain. I want to be with you, Danny, I want to be able to love you properly, if you'll let me. I... I love you Danny" he finished nervously.

Wordlessly Danny closed the space between you and captured Roy's soft lips in his own. Smooth pink skin mixed with salty tears spilling from Danny's eyes. When they pulled apart, Roy help Danny's face in his hands.

"You're so beautiful" he whispered.

Danny blushed fiercely.

Roy kissed his cheeks where the tears had left sparkling lines down his face. Danny took Roy's hands in his own and held them in his lap.

"Roy, before we get into anything, I need you to know that I'm a mess. I don't know why but I'm sad and dark and broken, and I need for you to know that because... because I can't destroy your heart like I've destroyed mine. That, over everything, would kill me." he admitted, fully prepared for Roy to reconsider, to leave him. He knew that's what would be best.

"Danny Anthony Noriega, I'm not going anywhere" he said simply.

They sat for what felt like hours, wrapped up together under the lamplight on a wooden bench, in Henriestown Park.

 

When they eventually made their way back to the bus, Michelle was sitting up with a cup of tea in hand, worriedly checking her phone over and over. Sharon and Alaska were sitting with her, waiting for the two to return.

They opened the bus door, assuming everyone inside would be asleep.

"Shh baby, we have to be..." Roy started.

"Where the fuck were you?" Sharon asked, rushing to the door to wrap Adore in her arms, the anger in her question directed more so at Roy than the younger queen.

"Excuse the fuck outta me for going for a walk" Roy said, raising his arms jokingly in the air.

"Next time, bring your goddamn phone!" Michelle exclaimed, relieved to see Adore back safe, with a genuine smile on her face for what felt like the first time in months.

"Sorry we worried you" Adore said, releasing herself from Sharon's arms, "we just went out for a bit"

"A bit? Is that what we're calling four hours these days?" Sharon retorted, this time smiling.

"I'm going to bed then, now that the mass panic has been averted" announced Alaska tiredly from the couch, "glad you're ok, 'Dore" she added before headed up the small stairs to her bunk. Sharon followed suit shortly after.

"Adore, honey. How are you? Can I check your arms?" Michelle asked tentatively. 

Adore produced two well bandaged wrists for Michelle to see.

"B wrapped them" she said quietly. 

"And you're both ok?" Michelle asked.

Roy looped him arm tightly around Adore's waist, "I think so"

"We will be" Adore smiled a small smile.

The last few dates of the tour weren't exactly perfect and Adore had ripped her bandages from her arms six times, only once attempting to actually hurt herself before before giving them to Roy. Each time Adore came to him, he didn't ask for an explanation, he didn't ask questions, he let Adore have complete control and for the first time in a long time, she began to feel safe. Roy had given her a purpose, someone to live for on the days she couldn't live for herself. The change in Adore's behavior didn't alter itself overnight, even the other queens could see that, and she still had her days of locking herself away from the outside world. But gradually, she started to recognise that the dark space she was living in, wasn't permanent.

When they got off tour, their relationship only gathered strength and two months later they were living together. Over those first two months, Adore wore her bandages, until one day, she tore them off, and didn't say a word.

 

July 2015

"Roy, did you bring pizza? Dede's been craving it all day"

Roy walked into the room pizza box in hand to see their tiny dog fast asleep on a blanket beside Danny.

"Yeah, she definitely seems real excited about it" Roy commented sarcastically.

"I guess if she's over it, I could maybe have some" Danny said, grinning widely.

"I don't know, Dorey, Dede might get real mad" Roy said, reciprocating Danny's smile and leaning in to kiss him softly. 

He placed the pizza box on the coffee table beside the couch, sitting down beside his boyfriend, who had crossed his legs and turned to face Roy, pizza slice already in hand. 

"How was filming today at WOW?" Danny asked through a mouthful of pizza.

"It was great, actually, I got to see Raja and Rave. Oh, and I got back those sketches that I had done of my new gown for tour." Roy said excitedly, pulling his phone from his pocket to show Danny the pictures. He unlocked it and handed it to him. Danny took the phone, admiring the sketches of a new black gown with pink crystal detailing. To Danny, it looked like a lot of Bianca's other dresses, but his boyfriend was excited about it, which made him endlessly happy. He scrolled mindlessly through Roy's camera roll, landing on a picture of himself wrapped in a blanket, asleep in their bed with Dede and Sammy either side of his head. 

"When did you take this?" Danny asked, smiling, turning the phone and holding it up for him to see, "it's cute!"

"I think last.." Roy trailed off, noticing his boyfriend's bare arms, "Danny, your arms?" he questioned.

"I.. I took them off last night. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, it's just, I don't think I need them anymore. And I wanted to prove it to myself first. I'm sorry" 

"I am so proud of you" Roy smiled.

"You're not mad I didn't tell you?"

"Not at all. Remember what I said, the very first time we put them on?"

Danny nodded his head slowly, "until you don't need bandages?"

"Until you don't need bandages."


End file.
